Pretend

*The WEIRDEST things inspire me sometimes. This one came out of my head today when I was making cookies and wishing my radio wasn't broken. It's a soft, folkie-like song in my head*

I imagine that you’re sitting close
Your hand placed on my hand.
I have a vision of your face-
You’re a beautiful young man.

I dream that you are funny,
That I smile at your charms.
And some days I like to pretend
You hold me in your arms.

It seems so very possible,
Sometimes keeps me up at night.
And when I’m feeling lonely
Just the thought of you brings light.

I wish that I could give to you
Without need to refrain.
Oh I wonder if I loved you
Maybe you could do the same.

I imagine that I’d want to
Show you every day I care.
We would spend our lives together
Living as a perfect pair.

I fantasize you’d feel the same,
Perhaps want the same things too.
But if that never becomes real
I’ll keep pretending I love you.

I want some food

*To give you an idea, the tune that it goes to in my head is really similar to Mose Allison's V-8 Ford Blues*

It’s one thirty in the morning
And I’m far from fast asleep.
There’s only one thing on my mind now-
It’s a secret I can’t keep.

I need to wake up my sweet baby
Even though it’s late at night.
I am hopin’ he can feed me
And my monstrous appetite!

I want some food.
I want salty, fried or sweet.
I don’t care ‘bout nothin’ else-
I just wanna eat.

My baby he rolls over
He can hear my stomach quake
I whisper to him softly:
“Could you get me a milkshake?”

I want some food.
I’m so hungry I could eat the shelf.
If you aren’t gonna help me
I’ll go and get it myself.

He laughs and thinks I’m jokin’
And tries to stare into my eyes.
Though his kisses are like honey
All I really want are fries.

This woman needs some feedin’
And it must be understood-
The best way that you can love me
Is to make me something good.

I want some food.
I want salty, fried or sweet.
I don’t care ‘bout nothin’ else
I just wanna eat.

Reflections of a Yesser

Saying “yes” too much, also sometimes known as not saying “no,” gets so much flack nowadays. You know what I’m talking about, I’m sure; countless magazine articles enlightening folks on how to assertively say “no” to requests and demands. Images of stressed people on TV taking years off their lives each time they fold under the pressure of agreeing to do something. I even teach and preach this stuff in my classes: “don’t agree to do things or take on responsibilities that you know are going to screw you over.” It’s everywhere. It’s dangerous. And it’s giving a perfectly good and very useful word a really, really bad association.

As a guilty, victimized, and dependable over-agreer myself, I realize the potentially great harm that may result in both the overuse of “yes” or the inability to correctly and successfully utilize the word “no.” Yes, agreeing to too many obligations causes us to spread ourselves too thin and it stresses, frustrates and confuses our loved ones. Even worse, agreeing to do other things doesn’t get chores done and it prioritizes the petty needs of others over the soul-nourishing priorities Oprah and Prevention Magazine say that we should protect for ourselves.

But what an awful picture that paints of such a simple, harmless word. I don't want to do that today- I want to paint a new picture.

In all seriousness....

More often than not, lately people have been asking me, “geeze, Angela! Are you ever serious?” I continually find myself answering the same way: “I’m serious when I need to be,” topped with a smile, but smothered with an invisible layer of curiosity, confusion, and self-consciousness about the unsaid implications of the question. The audio-visual component of my response is almost always retaliated with a demand for proof of my seriousness, and that’s when I’m stuck, soon to be suffocated by said curiosity, confusion, and self-consciousness. The only way to survive is to shift into 4-wheel distraction and say or do something funny to get out of conversation all together. I’ve never kept a running log, neither written nor in my head, of times I have acted serious or taken things very seriously. Yes, I admit it’s true that lately I have been spending more time smiling, laughing, and joking than other possible serious bodily functions, such as sleeping, scowling, or serving jury duty. But I always wonder what exactly do they mean by serious? What kind of lifestyle am I projecting that would make so many people feel compelled to ask? Are they maybe onto something and I am totally unaware?

My personal philosophy is that seriousness is a tool to be used when needed- You don’t need a knife every time you are in the kitchen, do you? But before we start playing with knives here, I’d like to set some serious guidelines for this blog: I’m not necessarily writing all this to prove myself. I’m also not at all offended by these situations. I am, though, genuinely stumped. For my own good, I would really like to explore the idea- what is being serious? Seriously! What does it mean to be serious?!

When people ask me to come up with examples my seriocity, I think of my most recent and applicable, though generically global, example: Work. People seem to identify well with work. I work a lot and take my work very seriously. But still, to my own confusion, even at work, I am laughing, messin' around, planning themed surprise parties for unsuspecting co-workers, and doin' stuff that still compells people to ask, “are you serious?”

To my defense, however, at work I also spend a lot of time talking about serious topics with serious people about serious programs and I have serious confrontations with students about their non-passing grades. I also have the resume-worthy ability to create an environment in which people are taken seriously; very, very stressed and unhappy people enter my office or classroom crying, grinding teeth, or in crisis, and exit smiling, looking relieved, and saying, “Thank you, Angela!” I currently don’t have a dictionary around to check my accurate usage of the word "serious" for these examples, but that all sounds like serious stuff to me.

Thank you letters

Today was the official last day of my class and pleasantly, to my surprise, many of my students gave me thank you letters! First and foremost, you must know that I am such a sucker for thankfulness in any form. But there are few things that warm my soul and keep my tear ducts in business more than unexpected hand written expressions of heartfelt gratitude, delivered with the intention of being read privately.

My heart has its own language to describe what it feels like to read thank you notes. Right now, though, it sings an especially sweet song, as lately I have been feeling pretty crummy in various areas of my life. These letters were just the broom I needed to sweep those crumbs away. Reading my students’ words of appreciation for what they say I brought to them over the semester felt as if God himself was winking at me and whispering, “you’re doin’ fine, kiddo.”

I have an announcement

Ladies and Gentlemen:

It's official. I have started running again.

Short term goal- To be able to do 5-6 miles easy a couple times a week.

Long term goal- Ave. of the Giants 1/2 marathon, May 2nd, 2010. I will finish running and beat my first time.


It feels good to be back.

Evening Strolls

I love taking walks during different hours throughout all of the seasons, each time of day and time of the year’s cycle providing a completely different allure for my mind and my senses. Just after dusk at the cusp of fall and winter is probably one of my favorite times to begin a walk. Its during this time that I can be completely alone on a dark street without having it be too late to be stereotypically dangerous. I can meditatively settle down for the night and then still have the whole evening ahead of me when I arrive back home. I love glimpsing into windows, seeing families ease into their after-work routines as if it were a picture on display; their lives inside of their warm homes so brilliantly lit, framed by windowpanes and dark night air.