Reflections of a Yesser

Saying “yes” too much, also sometimes known as not saying “no,” gets so much flack nowadays. You know what I’m talking about, I’m sure; countless magazine articles enlightening folks on how to assertively say “no” to requests and demands. Images of stressed people on TV taking years off their lives each time they fold under the pressure of agreeing to do something. I even teach and preach this stuff in my classes: “don’t agree to do things or take on responsibilities that you know are going to screw you over.” It’s everywhere. It’s dangerous. And it’s giving a perfectly good and very useful word a really, really bad association.

As a guilty, victimized, and dependable over-agreer myself, I realize the potentially great harm that may result in both the overuse of “yes” or the inability to correctly and successfully utilize the word “no.” Yes, agreeing to too many obligations causes us to spread ourselves too thin and it stresses, frustrates and confuses our loved ones. Even worse, agreeing to do other things doesn’t get chores done and it prioritizes the petty needs of others over the soul-nourishing priorities Oprah and Prevention Magazine say that we should protect for ourselves.

But what an awful picture that paints of such a simple, harmless word. I don't want to do that today- I want to paint a new picture.

It seems this culture’s poor life management habits have created dirty stereotypes of words like “yes” and “no.” We focus too much on the negative aspects of what involvement in life can do to us and subsequently we become helpless, bitter prey. But wouldn’t it be worthwhile to at least try viewing things differently through the privacy of your own PC or Mac? What if we did one of those corny visualization exercises where instead we imagine ourselves discovering all of the wonderful things this world wants to serve us on this long metaphorical picnic? Maybe that would help with my point. Please come with me as we both give this a shot.

("Say Yes" exercise: 2 minutes. Materials needed: Internet connection, computer, this blog, reader)

Thank you for coming today. What we're going to do is transform "yes" from being a vulture circling over our head that smells bad and we feel compelled to get rid of, to a small, positive, desirable truffle. Go ahead and take a minute to see your most favorite truffle in your mind. What does this truffle look like? How does this truffle smell? Does this it have a certain texture? Go ahead and take a small bite: Let the smell fill your nose, the flavor linger on your tongue, its texture dissolve in your mouth. This truffle is the word "Yes." Take another small bite. Enjoy and savor this next bite.

Now visualize yourself on a picnic. The setting is a quiet, romantic picnic in a beautiful, serene location. Feel the beautiful weather on your skin. You are enjoying this picnic with your loved one, laughing, relaxing, free of any cares. Feel the light laughter move from your chest, through your relaxed shoulders, and out your smiling mouth, cheeks and eyes. You move freely and naturally within the company of this person. Feel yourself enjoying this picnic.

Slowly, out of a small, white bag, your loved one takes this truffle. S/he leans forward with the truffle in hand, moves it towards your lips, and says, "would you like a bite?"

(end exercise)

You're an idiot if you imagined yourself saying "no." But seriously, don't you feel your shoulders relaxing and notice your jaw unclenched just thinking about eating chocolate truffles on happy, warm picnics? Do you wish you could have that in more in your own life?

YES!!

Saying "yes" to new things should be bringing similar wonderful feelings into your life, in my honest, humble, and experienced opinion. Just like a truffle, "Yes" needn't be big, doesn't have to be life altering, and sometimes just a taste will do. And just like a truffle, I think it should be used more often and with less moderation, in fact.

"Yes" is a chance for discovery, sharing, learning, enjoying. “Yes” hides within the quickest of minutes, just waiting to be said. Once released, it can cultivate positive things as simple and subtle as the addition of a nice plant to a mundane corner of life, or it has the power to blast wide open doors of opportunity. In my own life, “Yes” has lead to rich belly laughter unleashed at just the right time. “Yes” has facilitated bonding moments to seal true friendships. Saying “yes” has led to promotions, mind-blowing opportunities, and full scholarships to live in foreign countries. No matter how big or small, the positive things “yes” has brought me in my life far outweigh anything that it may ever have taken away.

Ahhh! It's like breathing in fresh, spring air, isn't it?

For those of you who hate this inspirational, motivational crap, there's something in it for you, too- the best part about all of this is that it doesn't even have to be an idealistic, enthusiastic, or full fledged "YES!!" Some of my best life experiences have resulted out of a lack of “no” usage, a grudged “okay” or my favorite- the completely indifferent, “why the heck not,” “sure,” or “what have I got to lose?” *queue violins*: I used to be full of excuses for avoiding people, not trying new things, or for hiding from whatever might have been lurking “out there.” Though it wasn’t a light bulb moment, it was a memorable era when I started to discover a new sense of freedom within the non-stick-in-the-mud mentality.

After frequently finding myself smiling after willingly participating in new experiences, I realized I had absolutely nothing to lose by agreeing to do something that wasn’t overtly awful, completely selfishly motivated, or obviously dangerous. In fact, the odds of saying “yes” to most things were actually in my favor: I was either going to have a good/neutral experience or a bad/never-going-to-do-that-again experience. Either way, I would have an “I tried that once” under my belt or at least a story upon completion (successful or not) of the endeavor. In my opinion, most any “I’ve done that,” or cool story that has not resulted in death, is a positive gain.

I am constantly surprised at the fear saying “yes” brings to some. Regardless if you like the mushy inspirational approach or you take the tougher-skinned "yeah, whatever" stance, I recommend you try it more if you don't already, just to see what it does for you. Also, please share! I want to know! I would love to hear your views (both good and bad) of saying “yes” to unknown things. That's the type of stuff these here comment boxes below are good for, folks :)