29

I decided to blog on this fine Monday and flipped a coin to decide between two topics I’ve been thinking about today: “Heads” was I’ll write about how much I love the Olympics. “Tails” was I’ll write about the number 29 and what it has to do with my life.

Tails it is.

It seems like writing about this kind of stuff would be a waste of time on a day off. But I like to think, I like to write, I like to think through writing, and I like to do all of the above about myself. So really, there’s actually no better way to spend some quality free time…..

So, rumor has it that I turned 29 last week. I love birthdays, especially when they are mine. I have a policy for making the holiday stretch the whole month; it’s a wonderful excuse to have fun parties with friends, to make lots of baked goods to share with people, and to not feel guilty for acting haughty.

Over the years, however, I’ve realized that I have a different concept of age than the average Joe. I feel as if I’ve never really had an age. An honestly embarrassing side effect of this has been never being able to remember the correct number to respond when people ask me “how old are you?” I feel as if my life has all of these different components to it giving my age a wing-span of ten years in either direction. I’m okay with that, really. I prefer it that way, actually. I’ve never been one who likes to confine myself to a “should be,” anyway.

Nevertheless, I think about being 29, because that’s the designated theme for this month, and it sounds so weird to me! Sometimes I think about my age and I feel naively confused, as if someone is trying to overcharge me for something I don’t understand the value of: “is it really that many years? That can’t be right.” Other times I feel kind of cheated out of a deal, or like I’m angry over something that could potentially cause embarrassment or humiliation, like when your wedding band turns your finger green: “is that ALL? Just 29?! After all that I’ve done?!” If I catch myself in the right moment, I feel shy or self-conscious of my age- like when I scope out guys who are significantly younger than myself and I suddenly become acutely aware of how much longer I’ve been alive than someone I admire.

But all that’s only when I think about myself as a number. All the other hours of the day I live on merrily with my life and forget that age exists. Just as I mentioned before: I’m okay with that. I prefer it that way, actually. I’ve never been one who likes to confine life to a “should be,” anyway.

I went for a walk today and did a “once over” on my past 29 years. I got to admit, it was just as validating as it was depressing. The topics that most frequently surfaced, in no particular order, were: "I overachieve too much" and "I am so single it hurts." These two topics are very, very closely related- sometimes inseparable, actually. They often combine to make one fiercely intertwined cycle that just keeps propelling me deeper and deeper into each separate category, only to come back together again in one complimentary cycle. Here are several illustrative scenarios to help clarify and expand upon exactly what I mean by that:

Scenario #1- A classic case of behavioral conditioning:

I find joy in the process of achieving and get a euphoric sense of satisfaction upon successful accomplishment. As far as doing "too much" goes: I’m good at it. I know how to do it. I like it. It’s easy for me. It brings reward.

Trying to navigate the opposite sex, on the other hand, brings me nothing but hopeless confusion. Attracting guys: I’m not good at it. I don’t know how to do it. It’s uncomfortable and it’s not easy for me. It brings feelings of inadequacy.... Don’t even need to know who John Watson is figure this one out, folks.

Scenario #2- The “Oh, Angela, he's out there- you just haven't found him yet”:

People constantly reassure me, “you are such a wonderful person! You will find the right guy if you just get yourself involved in something you like doing.” So I get myself involved in something, and then wind up becoming in full charge of whatever it is I’m involved in. At that point I either have no time to notice/get to know whoever it is who comes to my functions/parties/workshops/volunteer gigs, or I’m intimidating as hell and totally unreachable because I’m that loud lady in charge.

Scenario #3- Fear = free time, free time = more time to work:

I'm sometimes mistaken for fearless, and NO one believes me when I say I’m shy. But I am shy… sometimes… I’m actually painfully shy when it comes to telling/showing people how I feel, so I don’t do it unless I get some kind of obvious sign that I’m “in” and safe. Considering the last time something like that happened was in October 2008 (did I really just admit that publicly?), not being in a relationship has given me lots of free time to do things I like to do- like work and overachieve. In the last year and half I have only been on two official dates, but have had the time to achieve more significant life accomplishments than I can count on all of my fingers and toes combined.

Oh my God, I’m so alone.

Scenario #4- I am a flawed individual:

The more work and responsibility I am given in my “professional” life, the sillier I get in my “personal” life. I think it’s a weird thing my unconscious tries to pass off as “creating balance.” This results in me either getting so silly I come off as a loud wack-o who is too much to handle, or worse, someone is attracted to the wack-o persona. In this case, the guy is either a wack-job himself, or he only likes the fun-lovin’ gal and gets confused by my need to be serious sometimes and then high-tails it.

Scenario #5- Personal integrity:

I like and value money and financial security, and working makes those things possible. Working lots of different types of jobs makes me more qualified for a wide variety of career opportunities, which in turn will hopefully open doors for freedom and flexibility in my future. Dating costs money and may not provide positive returns. Dating lots of different men may also give me a reputation, giving me less freedom and flexibility in my future.

Yeah, I know that getting married would mean a tax break and an additional income, and I would like to someday marry. But I would rather be happily single and independently middle-class than married and miserable, doing some asshole’s taxes while he’s just drinking beer and watching the game.

*Sigh* Does anyone know if the Yahoo personal ads are free?

So here I am, 29, and despite that rant, life is good. And I want it to continue being good. And I also want to be able to share that goodness with someone else. There. I admit it and I am feeling like I am out on a limb here. But I have to ask- Is there really anything wrong with wanting to love?

They say the best way to find love is to not look for it. Though I can’t say I’ve really been actively looking, I can say that I have been warning the universe that I don’t want to be 74 wishing I had children to cook dinner for to and wishing for a loving husband to share great memories with.

"Then, Ms. Problem Solver," you may ask, "what are you going to do about it?"

I’m going to keep living my life, that’s what. Things will happen as they are supposed to happen.

As for the rest of what it means to be 29? Not a whole lot. On that same walk, though, I did think of some goals I want to set for myself to have done before the next February rolls around:

*Eat slowly.

*Complete another half marathon, preferably running.

*Put things back where I find them.

*Do make-up and hair at least once every two weeks.

*Go somewhere I haven’t been that’s located at least 6 hours car drive away. Stay for at least 2 nights.

*Stretch after going for walks.

*Get rid of things I haven’t used in over 3 years.

*Be more conscious of my “Inner Voice”- Avoid saying things to myself I wouldn’t want to hear a loved one saying out loud to his/her own self.

*Call Shoshanna to work out the details of the dance this Saturday.

*Go to the store and get toothpaste, bobby pins, glue, batteries, white board markers, and blank CDs.

*Finish my lesson plan for tomorrow so I can go to dance tonight.

Happy birthday to me :)